Watching for Infidelity

In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard presents a list of things to look for in your interactions with others.  He suggests that there is a progression of infidelity rather than things just happening out of the blue.

The following is a list of how things can progress from seemingly innocent behavior to full on infidelity:

1. Behaviors that seem or may be innocent (i.e., service for a neighbor, going out to lunch with a co-worker, chatting about problems with an old friend of the opposite sex).
2. An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart.
3. Extramarital flirting.  (Justification-“no harm intended”).
4. Relationship declared as “special”.
5. Opportunities created to see “special friend” (Accompanied may be a worry of what others will say/think if they knew).
6. Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person.
7. Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”.
8. Faultfinding with spouse.
9. Fantasies about other person.
10. Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug.
11. Sexual relations.

What to do if you find yourself somewhere along this progression?

In my opinion, wherever you are, you should turn back immediately.  In every case you should disclose to your spouse anything and everything (even if you aren't sure if it's a "big deal" or not) involved in what has happened.  It is the secret-keeping that fuels the inappropriate behavior.  Cut off your personal relationship and all ties possible with that other person.  Apologize, express your sorrow and desire to be closer to your spouse.  

Even though you are trying to do the right thing now, do not expect your spouse to be "overly pleased" at your coming forward.  This news likely will come as a shock or a severe blow to your spouse.  Be patient (you are throwing yourself at the mercy of your spouse).  They may need time to think about things and come to grips with what has happened.  Be constant to in your desire to be true and faithful to your spouse.  

You cannot know what will come of these things once they are allowed to progress too far.  My advice is to catch yourself early.  Minimize any unnecessary time with those of the opposite sex outside of your marriage.  Be aware of those who may not be a "friend" to the marriage.  Ask yourself if you have anyone outside of your family that you consider a "special friend".  Do not be too ashamed that you keep the little things secret or they will lead to bigger mistakes.  The need for emotional intimacy is built into us and as a husband or wife the natural and correct partner with whom to share your feelings and thoughts, big and small, is your spouse.  

You cannot decide what your spouse will do, only what you will do.  Trials will come but overcoming such things together will be a strength to your marriage and affections for each other. 

REMEMBER: Whatever you may feel now, that person you married is, or at least "was", someone whom you loved very deeply,  Deeply enough to take as your partner and best friend in marriage.  You don't give up on your best friend.  Ever.

Are We Overly Available to the Wrong Things?

Are we overly-available to the rest of the world?  Think for a moment.  How hard is it for someone to get a hold of you?  How quick are you to drop everything to respond to a text or check on an update someone sends to you through one of your social media apps?  How often does this change or affect what you are doing?  What about the other many forms of media we use each day?  Is your day a waste if you don't get some quality time with your media?  Are we using these things to our best interest or to our detriment?  I would suggest that perhaps we focus a lot on the benefits of new technologies while sometimes forgetting to weigh the cost.  

Now I will ask a different question.  When was the last time you went out with your family for the day, leaving technology out of the picture? 

Observe Georges Seurat's popular painting, Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.

Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte (Un dimanche après-midi à l’Ile de la Grande Jatte), Georges Seurat, 1884-1886.  (Retrieved from http://www.webexhibits.org/colorart/jatte.html)

What a beautiful painting!  I wish every day were like this!  How would you feel about this masterpiece if everyone in it were looking down at tablets and smartphones?  For me, that would drain the delight from my experience in viewing it.

When was the last time that that you considered time spent with others as "quality" time?  How important is it to you to get that new high score?  How important is it to know what everyone is doing all the time and to have them recognize daily your existence through the social media?  Are your children, friends, and family learning that more important to you is the need to connect to the world at large, rather than to strengthen personal bonds with them?  If you want an existence then go exist somewhere other than digital space.  I challenge anyone who reads this to put down the technology and look up more often.  Step outside.  Go for a walk.  Play with your kids.  Technology is a tool, not a life.

To My Fair Mother

   I was so very lucky to have a mother who was very involved in my life.  I have countless memories where she was just plainly there, being with me.  I imagine many mothers wonder if they are doing enough.  I would say that there is no magic formula for a mother save being there for her children in love and trying her best.  Mistakes will happen, but it is the long-term stability that is provided through the day-to-day love that a child remembers.  I am writing this entry to express my gratitude for my mother, as well as the following poem.

To the fairest of all is given the gift Motherhood

The gift of bearing God's children 
is given to her most fair.
A bond born of giving,
of sacrifice.
Men may learn somewhat of these things
but she came down, this love her wings.

This trust placed in those most fair,
His trust in her, to love them here.

A sacred pact, of mother to God,
of mother to child, to child from God.
To leave a heavenly home for a time, 
yet given an angel to always guide.

The fairest among His children are blessed 
with the keeping of these so small.
Could there be any other way?
No, it's clear as night and day!

Even if she is not perfect,
even if life has thrown her down
For her service, He will bless her.
Her sacrifice shall become her crown.

-Patrick Williams(to my mother who has always loved me)

Memories I have of my mom growing up:

•    Being involved in my school's homeroom activities and field trips. (She would buy me and my friends little snacks on the field trips)
•    Holding and dunking me in the public pool until I guessed the color she was thinking of. (It was fun and not life threatening)
•    Playing Mario Bros. 3 with me even though I would beat her badly.
•    Cleaning up my rejected food stuffs in a hotel room in the middle of the night when I couldn't make it to a receptacle in time.  (I had eaten Chinese food at a fair earlier that day, and we both agreed that the room actually smelled kind of delicious afterwards)
•    The many times she would patch me up from scrapes and cuts from playing outside (I refused to wear shoes which led to the majority of injuries)
•    Reading Disney short stories to me and sometimes changing them up (Ferdinand the bull got a little violent one night)
•    Reading R.L.Stine's Goosebumps Series to me (sometimes both of us were afraid to keep reading)
•    Letting me get involved with baking even though it would have probably been easier without my "helping"
•    Having the best birthday parties even though we didn't have a lot of money.
•    Packing me healthy homemade lunches (especially when I started to get a little plump, she would even sometimes make them for me in high school and write little notes on my napkin)
•    Being the primary care-taker of the pets we took in.
•    Helping me memorize the scout law (A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent)
•    She was just always there, through all of my tears and trials, there is nothing to replace those things she has done for me.  To this day she still continues to do more for me than I deserve, and I thank her for it.  I love you Mom!

Not Your Grandma's Marriage

Some thoughts on what marriage was: 
Marriage used to be so vital to a community that receptions were put on by that community and not the couple's family.  (The latter came about through emulating the Royals).  Marriage was recognized as a promise to serve each other and the community.  It has been the center of most every successful civilization.  It was well known that the true way to prosperity and happiness was looking after the well being of others and the marriage relationship epitomized this.  Now I will tell you what I see.  I see a disconnect from others in marriage.  Community, children, and even spouse often come second (if at all) to personal fulfillment and happiness.  The big joke is that the more you focus on yourself the more miserable you will be.  I hope we all think a little more about and do even more for others.  Be happy... for real this time!

Personal Strength and Healing

Maybe you feel the desire to be a better spouse, parent, or child.  Maybe you are trying very hard to make yourself more ready and worthy to enter into marriage to your best friend.  Maybe you are just hurting and do not know what to do.  

Here are a couple very good resources that are focused on healing and using the atonement to have strength to make it through this life.

David A. Bednar - In the Strength of the Lord

A talk on learning to use the atonement of the Lord in all stages of life.  Going from bad to good and then from good to better.
Excerpts: 
As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon 

Most of us clearly understand that the atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the atonement is also for saints--for good men and women who are obedient and worthy and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. I frankly do not think many of us "get it" concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.

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James E. Faust - He Healeth The Broken In Heart
A vary good talk on turning yourself over to the Healing of the Lord
Excerpts:

Our hurry to meet the relentless demands of the clock tears away at our inner peace. The pressures to compete and survive are great. Our appetite for personal possessions seems enormous. The increasing forces that destroy the individual and family bring great sadness and heartbreak.

...faith and hope will replace heartache, disappointment, torment, anguish, and despair, and the Lord will give us strength...

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A Word to the Aging Singles

If you are reading this and single: Congratulations!

I'll take that as a sign you still hold on to hope! 

As a 29-year old single male in the Latter-Day Saint faith I know I am not alone, but my existence sometimes causes others to scratch their head.  

In other words, I get the question "Why aren't you married yet?" in various forms.  Now sometimes people want to know the actual reasons or they may just paying me a compliment, meaning something like, "you seem to be marriageable, what's the deal?"  The deal is there are many reasons I am not married yet.  Finding someone who suits me, the ups and downs of life, and making myself get "out there" are just a few.

Though questions may come occasionally, I feel I haven't really received a lot of outward pressure to get married, at least in comparison to the pressure I put on myself.  I listen carefully whenever counsel is given on marriage, trying to make sure there is not anything I am missing, some unknown secret.  There have been girls that I have adored and girls that have thought I was tolerable enough, but it has not been right yet according to all parties in any given relationship I've had (I'm including God and his wisdom through the verifying of the Holy Spirit here - in other words, that feeling that something just isn't right). 

Here is my point.  Being single, sometimes one thinks that things just aren't working out.  At some points we get the most defeating feelings and thoughts.  We feel overly needy or pitifully and embarrassingly desperate.  We think things are just not working out for us in particular.  While we may well continue to have those feelings from time to time, it's what makes us human AND guess what?! It's not a negative thing to experience the loneliness that can come with being single.  I am a firm believer that single people can be happy over-all, but there are unavoidable times when we feel those painful feelings.  They are what can propel us to redouble our efforts, pushing us to continue in our journey.  In Genesis we find out that "it is not good that man to be alone."  I think most of us could have found that out without that scripture, but it's good to know that our feeling, that need to find someone, is correct.  Could you imagine?! Being perfectly happy 100% of the time while single would be a disaster!  Why, who would ever go through all the effort of finding a spouse, having children, and growing beyond what they are now, if we could be perfectly happy in our current situation?  It's just not right, the truth is that we were meant for more, we can feel it.  We feel it when we see other happy couples, we can feel it during our greatest triumphs and in our lowest of lows.  There is a need in us to share our lives, ourselves, with someone else.  Sure, we can run for a while from such thoughts or feelings, we can hide... for a while.  But when we feel that pang again trying to wake us up to our purpose, we will realize our bitter mistakes. 

So what do we do in the meantime? What I believe is NOT correct is to have the attitude to wait for marriage or someone else to start living our life or becoming what we want to become.  

In a talk available on CD by John Bytheway entitled What I Wish I'd known When I Was Single: How to Do Life as a Young Adult, he talks about how it is so much more attractive to be moving forward and developing yourself rather than being focused on your singleness.  Not only do I fully endorse that talk for it's hopefulness (It's so good and helpful!) but it is based in what is true and firm providing real instruction for us "singles".  

Despite where we may be, we can be a little happier, we can open ourselves up to opportunities that will increase our chances to find someone when the opportunity comes along.  Most importantly for my LDS audience, we can get to the Temple, and live our lives in accordance with God's commandments, finding the wealth of joy and feeling that comes thereby.  For all the reasons we may not be married yet, let not a lack of faithfulness to the God of Heaven, Earth, and Man be among them.

One more thing... to my readers who are tender of heart and for whom these things may just be too real and close right now, missing and longing for that person they have yet to meet.  You pray for your future spouse. They may need your blessings.  Not only that, but your heart will be turned to them and you will want to be a better person, the kind of person they will need in their life.


Link to Sample of Audio Book