Topics to Discuss Before Marriage

We live in a world where (I have heard it put) we often spend more time planning the wedding and not enough planning the marriage. In class yesterday we were going of some important questions to ask during dating, courtship, and engagement (AKA things you might want to talk about before marriage).  It seems more and more people aren't as comfortable asking deep questions of their intended.  Well you'd better start because it's a lot better than the alternative!

We refer to the list as a "marriage contract", not the legal kind of contract, but an agreement or consensus of plans for married life.  You may want to come up with a list of things that are important to resolve for you personally before you make those vows!  Following is an example list, but feel free to put them on your own list if they are important to you!

***Remember, consensus on important marriage topics is more favorable than concessions (it is better to agree than to compromise)

The Marriage Contract

1. Last Name - Will she take his, keep her own, or hyphenate? If the latter 2, what is the last name the children will have?
2. Division of Labor - Who will have which jobs, which will be shared? (IE dishes, cleaning the windows, maintaining the cars, making dinner, maintaining the budget) - Take in to account your different strengths and preferences, not everything has to be the way you have seen your parents or other couples organize tasks.
3. Children - Do we want children?  How many? When? 
4. Care of Children - Another question of division of labor.  Who will: read them bedtime stories, feed them, help with homework, etc. - Keep in mind that it has been noted time and again that it is important for both parents' involvement in the rearing of children.  One example is that mother's tend to draw the child in with "face time" and familial relationships, while fathers tend to introduce children to the world more.  Think of how you might see father's and mother's holding babies differently, fathers with them facing outward or over the shoulder - mothers cradling them face-to-face.
5. Discipline - When? What? How? - Remember that there is more than just spanking and not spanking. Get creative.
6. Housing - What can we afford? What do we need/want? What will we have to sacrifice for that?  Will we use both incomes to finance our housing (if both are working) or just one spouses and put aside the other's for savings, rainy-day fund, or other?
7. Who Will be the Bread Winner? Will it change when children come along? 
8. Financial Dreams - Goals, retirement, planning for children's futures. - Note that this can be a difficult topic and the help of a professional financial planner may be needed if neither spouse is well-versed in planning.  It doesn't have to be all planned out right now, but get educated and start making plans when appropriate.
9. Will you live close to family? - Who's family? Is it smart? This can have benefits and detriments.  It is healthy to talk things over with each other rather than either individually with a source outside the marriage, even well meaning family members.  Family can help out, but they can also keep the couple from forming new patterns and graduate from child to spouse.  It can be healthy to spend the first few years further from family until you have a strong connection with your spouse.  Be smart and know what your own circumstances are.
10. Holidays - With extended family? Rotation Schedule? Pros/Cons - Remember to discuss things before making up your mind, you may be surprised how your ideas change when taking each other's views under consideration.
11. Address Frustrations and Concerns - It is good to be aware of the things that we can and can't live with early.  They are not likely to change because you are now married.  Patterns set early in marriage naturally persist throughout the entire marriage unless someone speaks up and efforts are made to change.
12. Who's Opinion Will Prevail? - Is one of you an expert in the matter?  Does the breadwinner get more say in finances?  Will one opinion prevail? - It is better to agree, if you cannot, then perhaps it is time for both to go to God in prayer to find His will that will best move you forward.  There are certain circumstances where one spouse may have a better understanding and the other spouse can choose to support their decisions concerning certain matters.  It never hurts to keep your spouse "in the loop" if this is the case.
13. How will you change the terms of this contract over the course of the Marriage? - What might necessitate change?  How will you bring it up?  What methods will you use? - One Idea I had was a yearly "Marriage in Review" session, going over successes, hardships, difficulties overcome, favorite moments, concerns, etc.  Make sure to keep plenty of positive things in there, and end on a good not, a treat of some sort wouldn't be a bad thing.  It needs to be something that you look forward to for the good it does and the happy memories it brings.

Deminishing Negative Thoughts and Getting a Hold on a Happier Reality

   Can I just say that there is so much info out in the world today that it's dang dizzying looking for and deciphering what will be of good use?  Well in my commitment to bring you only the shiniest most precious gems, I introduce my most recent discovery!
 
    I myself have recently been introduced to something so simple yet so helpful in my Family Stress and Coping class.  We've been reading a book by David D. Burns, M.D. called When Panic Attacks, The New Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life.

    In this book he talks about something called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).  Burns claims that with CBT we may:

"learn to change negative thoughts, or "cognitions," that cause depression, as well as the self-defeating behavior patterns that keep you stuck."1  

The best part is that it doesn't use medications (which have, at times, been known to bless you with side effects that make life just as uncomfortable as the problem you were trying to solve).

How often does this happen to us? We have negative thoughts passing through our head, we might even know they are false, yet our brains seem to believe them and it affects our bodies and moods accordingly. We start to stress, panic, or feel overwhelmed. 

Well I have a tried a simple exercise with the use of a Mood Log© & Worksheet attached with a Checklist of Cognitive Distortions ©.  These are basically two tools that will help you realize where you are going wrong, and replace those unhelpful negative thoughts and feelings with ones that are more positive and accurate. I really wish I had known about this so long ago, It has helped me so much that I just have to share it with all of you!

Following are an example worksheet to walk you through the simple process and a blank worksheet to fill out yourself.  The nice thing is that once you get used to these steps you won't need the worksheets anymore!  You will be thinking more positively as a natural reaction!  Please try it for yourself and see what comes of it!

Mood Log Example
Mood Log Worksheet

I am not the owner of the above Copyrighted materials.

1.Burns, D. (2007). When panic attacks. (p. 2). New York: Doubleday Broadway Publishing Group.